Judith and Holofernes by Von Stuck (approx. 1900)

I have in my most endearing moments felt compelled to exaggerate the truth. To add width and length to the reality in which I could not bear nor accept. And in that exaggerated state ceased to realize the truth. Blindly living out my days in a world of fantasy. It is not that I could or could not accept the truth, but in essence creating a sound result that I could twist and change at my desire. It is the power over the events in my life that I want to control. Who hasn’t? And to that effect, to what extreme? If all the signs of disgrace and neglect are placed before us, why do I not embrace the journey? I do not want to. If for one moment, for one second I choose to look at the facts in an unbiased manner then I will come to understand you loved me not. What would that do? Would my world come crashing down? Would every last breath of me be sucked out through the holes in my heart? It is not the words of a man that should be accounted on, rather their actions. All the charming words, and pronunciations of love cannot hold a candle if you could not lift one finger to light the flame. I spit on your words. I choke on your embrace and, I spit on the head that will replace mine upon your pillow. She will never be me. And when she lays down somberly beside you at night, my breath will be the one that you hear. For in all her glorious days, and the beginning of your new journey, she will not satisfy you as I have. And in the end, when it’s over, I will not be here. Forget me if you can. Because when you knock bloody knuckles at my stone door, although I stand with a heavy heart on the other side, I will not open that door. And tonight, when you empty yourself inside of her, beware of all those who laid there prior, for their spirits and broken hearts await it’s revenge. I loved you not. Or rather sometimes I loved you. Like sweet kisses before mine, you will tenderly place them in others. And like those creepy crawlers that infest your bedroom, my love marks will forever be burned on your skin. Forget me if you can, for my heart has been locked away in a cage until you break its reigns. I cannot be held accountable for your many indiscretions. I refuse to be saddened and sorrowed for all your unfulfilled promises. In an instant my life can change for the better or worse. Without you in it, surely I will reach my own goals at a much more rapid pace. I accept your actions. I refuse your words. Do not speak to me tenderly, for your days have outnumbered my tolerance. In every sense of the word, you treated me as a whore. Calling for me in your most urgent moments. And what of mine? If I cried a river would you jump in to save me? You said you would. When my legs gave way beneath me and I fell crashing to the ground, were you there to catch me? You said you did. I have yet to understand why I loved you. Attachment cannot be mistaken for true love. It is the most common misconception of our day. Cry for me not. I am well beyond the point of happiness, now that I have opened my eyes to your score, and I am no longer trapped by your meaningless words. Your false promises and your seemingly warm embrace. Thrush all the world’s oceans into one crystal and I will throw it back in the mine. Turn the sea into wine, and I will pray Jesus confiscates your prophecy. Make milk into honey, I will send every last Bee to thrive on your face. As you can see, I take offense to your madness. Your madness has become my madness and I will soon make peace with my emptiness. For all the fame, fortune and love in the world cannot replace your presence in my life. I will never forget the journey, for this was all a learning experience for me. And on this note, I should probably thank you. But, I weigh a heavy burden of anger, and until it dies, I will wish you nothing but tolerance. Tolerance for the torture you will feel once you have realized you lost me. You lost me good this time. And if our paths shall ever cross, do look the other way, for I will see right through you.

Thought Provokingly Yours,
Tory Talayi